Wow…2014. That was the year we received our foster parent
license. It was also the last time I
wrote a blog post. Since that time, we
have had a total of 10 kids come to our home to “hang out for awhile” (code
words for “to be fostered”). Four were
just short “respite” stays to give their regular foster parents a break. The other six were ours for a period of
time. Every one of these placements has
taught us valuable lessons. Lessons
worth sharing.
First, I would say “Whoa!”
We were prepared for hard things when we signed up for this gig, and I
think we’ve managed fairly well when it comes to the things we expected to be
hard. Things like behaviors and worries and grief outside of the norm. We were prepared for the hard questions, the “why's,” the “what if’s,” and the "when's." I think we are pretty good
at helping our little ones unpack the heavy baggage that they bring with them,
carrying on their little shoulders more than most adults. I’ll admit, I lose my patience more frequently
than I’d like. When I get mad, I yell. I
hate that, but it’s true. I do have to apologize once in awhile, and once in
awhile, I have to shut myself in my bedroom to count to much more than 10
(sometimes AFTER slamming my door…sometimes BEFORE allowing myself to boil
over). We are so imperfect, so flawed…but
we do try. We do give it our best. Sometimes our best just seems so inadequate.
The first 2-3 months are usually the most trying, because
that’s when boundaries are still being formed, and tested! That’s when rules are being learned, behavior
charts are in full swing, and trust is being built. That’s also when a lot of holding and rocking
is going on. It’s so important for trust
building and for bonding in the midst of what often seems like a chaotic storm. Basically, what I’m saying is, I think we
have a handle on that part. We fully expect
chaos and that expectation has proven true with every placement for at least
the first 2 or 3 months.
So what’s my “Whoa!!” all about? It’s because of the part we weren’t prepared
for, the unexpected hard stuff. One thing we always hear from
non-foster parents is something along the lines of “How awesome that you are
foster parents! I could never do
that! I would never be able to handle
giving the kids back.” I really, really hate
that (just saying). You see, it’s hard
for me to see it as a compliment, because I thought that same thing before we
dove in head first. Then when we had a
couple of kids who were going on weekend visits with their parents and we were
enjoying every single minute of it, I started to feel guilty. When the target date for them to return home
permanently came and went, and I felt disappointed by that…I thought, “It’s
suppose to be HARD to give these kids back!
I must be a bad person, a bad foster parent…cold-hearted at the very
least.” You know, it took a long time
for my mind to work through that. People…including
other foster parents…always talk about the positive emotions. The attachment they’ve created with the kids
and the grief they experience when the kids leave their home. Nobody ever talks about the opposite
emotions, so when I found myself feeling like I WANTED the kids to go home, I
felt inadequate. I have since figured
out that is total nonsense! Yes, some
kids are harder to let go than others. Some kids have a greater attachment
than others. Yet, no matter what, we
love on every one of these kids, and treat them as we do our own.
I have cried every time our regular
placements moved on, yet they were happy tears rather than grief tears. Tears
of appreciation for the teachers, counselors, social workers, daycare providers,
and even judges & attorneys who helped to mold them into kids who are
respectful, responsible, trustworthy, and kind.
Tears of pride in these kids, knowing how their journey began and how
their character developed through it all.
We have had GOOD kids. Good in a
very different way than what we traditionally think of, but GOOD.
We go into every one of the placements with
the goal of “reunification,” (a.k.a., going back home). We partner with their parents. We co-parent.
We help them maintain a bond. We
supervise phone calls, send them pictures, and pray for them, for their healing, for their ability
to step up and care for their children in a safe and appropriate way. I have cried and felt emotions I couldn’t
express when witnessing a Mom about her to lose her kids forever. FOREVER.
That’s a long time, a long, long time. That’s longer
than any mom can stand. THAT is the part
that is harder than hard, the part that hits like bricks and doesn’t go away in
a day or two. Giving the kids back…or passing them along to the next family,
the “forever family,” is the easy part…and I have come to realize that’s truly
okay! So please, don’t ever tell me that
you couldn’t be a foster parent because you couldn’t give the kids back...or that your OWN kids are your priority (I've actually heard that)....as if MINE aren't? Instead, just wish us well, and pray for these kids and their little hearts as we muddle through, trying our hardest, even when it seem so inadequate.
I am going to end this post here. Yet, I have so much more I want to share
about what we’ve learned along the way.
I have an incredible story of God’s plan and his ability to see the
whole picture, long before we even know there is a picture. I was given permission by our last foster
siblings’ adoptive parents to share their story. It is worth tuning back in for, so you will
certainly want to watch for my next post!
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